Transcript of our podcast from 1st April 2008

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The April News

by Moritz Eggert

Hello, my friends, it's that time of the year again. We just have to concentrate on some gaming news again, after I talked a lot of mumbo jumbo about philosophical aspects of gaming that nobody wants to hear in their coffee break.

After their phenomenal success with the abstract civilization game "Through the Ages", Czech Board Games is happy to announce a sequel, which will be designed by no other than Don Greenwood, former main developer of "Advanced Squad Leader" for Avalon Hill.

The new game will be called "Through the Pages", and promises to be a moments in history type game that portrays a sweep through a gamer geek's life who is determined to understand the rules to Advanced Squad Leader before he dies of old age. The players each simulate the microbiology of these gamers, using little, tiny plastic beads that represent concentration points and fast food points. A new mechanic called "bullet fatigue" simulates the attrition that sets in when reading a sub-bullet of a sub-bullet rules section. Who will win the game and finally arrive at the last page of the ASL rulebook before Alzheimer sets in?

Find out in December this year.

Valley Games has announced their new line of games which will be called "Spud des Jahres" after the sadly defunct "Spielboy" gaming parody website.

Not being content with reprinting classic hits that sell preorders like pictures of naked meeples in discomforting positions Valley Games will start to sell games that nobody wanted at the day they were printed, and remake them in a way that will make everybody want to own them as "the worst game in my collection".

First in this ultra exclusive line will be a reprint of the much-sought-to-avoid game "Assassin" by Avalon Hill that even Greg Schloesser couldn't make into a playable game with his house rules. "We promise that this new edition will be even worse than the revamped Avalon Hill edition, which was already a failed attempt to make an obscure Euro Game playable." Says Valley Games. "Players will be confronted with a new map created by the same map design genius who created the graphics in "Hammer of Thor", a game that has often been voted as being the ugliest game on Boardgamegeek. The rules will be completely rewritten by Anthony Thompson, the genius behind "Time Control", a game that even Tom Vasel could not love. It will be so awful that it will immediately gain cult status. Preorders are already in the thousands. Next in line is an expansion to "Tic-Tac-Toe", the worst rated game on the geek, called "Eeny Mac Moe - the Road to Legend".

Card Driven Games were yesterday - the new trend is "Human Driven Games". The gaming revolution that created hits like "Paths of Glory", "For the People" and "We the People" will now be followed by "Yo, you people", the first human driven card driven wargame portraying gangster wars in a dystopian New York of the future.

With the game comes a so-called "gangsta rappa from the hood", sorry I don't really know how to pronounce this, who tells you in very clear sentences what you have to do each turn. If you don't follow his commands, he has ways of imposing his will upon you that were so far unknown in gaming circles. This is only for true hard-core grognards like grognad.

Tom Vasel and Sam Healey have recently been premiered with the "Gaming Missionary of the Year" Award, which might explain while they took so long to create this new show. After converting all of South Korea to the joys of "Duel Of Ages" and "Glorified Racko" there have been talks of sending them to North Korea, as part of the new wave of peace talks in the region. First advances where already made when Sam trained the national North Korean soccer team when it recently played South Korea. You can help their mission in North Korea by sending Tom and Sam Emails in which you tell them how much you love the Dice Tower and that you wish them to continue. Seriously, folks, you should do that!

Boardgamegeek is full of geeks of the week and interesting gaming personalities whose funny flame wars, droll avatars and troll insults we can enjoy every week. But more and more gamers are also... famous!

It has been already reported on Boardgamegeek that beautiful actresses like Jessica Alba are closet gamers - Mrs. Alba seems to enjoy the game "Apples to Apples" which is not surprising really, considering... ok, I won't go into that... It is also known that celebrities like Robin Williams are into miniature wargaming whereas Curt Schilling the famous baseball pitcher has actually helped the wargaming community by saving many games from the Avalon Hill era by founding his own gaming company MMP.

Slowly the ratio of prominent stars who confess a gaming or geek habit has risen so dramatically that "normal" gamer geeks feel more and more excluded. This is why Aldie from Boardgamegeek has created a new invitation only guild called "normal boardgamers anonymous". This is where you can go and find people with the same problem as you: people who don't have collections of 4000 or more games, people who aren't using 16.000 different fonts in every message so your eyes bleed and people who aren't also famous, extremely good looking or using avatars so ingenious that Picasso would blush in shame. People without übergeek badges and 10.000 geek gold for their 10.000 reviews. People... who are now in a minority.

If you just are one of these really normal persons who have a family, a job, and...something that William Shatner called "a life", write to the - the "Normal Boardgamers Anonymous Association".

We can help you to become an übergeek in no time.

I leave you with this to ponder while you sit sucking on your Kimchi cocktail while the sun slowly sets on this beautiful April 1st evening.

Game on, and may all your hits be crits.

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